The Moses Code

WARNING: Blasphemous content.

I personally know a few hundred people, who will be offended by the following passage. Sincere apologies to them for hurting their sentiments, though none of them reads, or will ever read, my blog. And apologies in advance to the people I don’t know, who just might happen to read it, and hurt their hypersensitive religious sentiments in the process. This is a work of crude imagination of a perfectly idle mind. Those who haven’t read the Bible, Christians and non-Christians, please bear in mind the fact that only the characters resemble that appears in the Holy Bible. Their thoughts, and actions, as described me are pure fabrication, and is copyrighted. The Bible, after all, is not a book to be judged by your judgment of me. And if you are not 18 years or older, mentally or physically, STOP reading it here, and call your parents to read it out for you.

The Moses Code
OR, The great Eve of many things, and people

Moses knew more tricks than Da Vinci, and Genesis, for the same reason, is trickier than Da Vinci code to decipher. By His grace, and command, (He can wash off his hands at any point of the following passage, if He thinks that I’ve goofed up) I’m doing that job here.

On the sixth day morning, God was, unusually, very nervous. He was pretty confident on his sculpting skills, though he had only five days experience in the art. He had quite a few specimens in front of Him. From platypus to peacock. Giving Him self-doubt and confidence, and thus making him unusually nervous. God was a curious creature. Though he thought it would be too girlie for a God’s standards to create a mirror, He couldn’t help wondering how he looks. It was the prime motivation behind dirtying His hand on that fateful sixth day. He also had the hope of handing over the responsibilities of all the stupid things he had created. Just like any other father.

If I say He was shocked, I’d be underestimating the divine emotions. He just couldn’t believe His eyes. The truth that was grinning at him was too hard to ignore. If He had created a mirror, He would have broken it in a millisecond. It was real mirror-cracking material that stood before Him. He looked around for an assurance He was desperately seeking.

He saw the snake, and asked the snake.

“Do I really look like this ugly, dumb, Neanderthal?”

“Yes, Lord,” the snake replied without thinking about the consequences. (It was the first time the snake was asked a question, and it was completely clueless about diplomacy). God was in an incontrollable rage, and He stamped his foot on the snake’s head, flattening it. That was how the snake, and its predecessors were granted with the hood.

And the snake became the first to win His wrath. The price of being at the wrong place at the wrong time. It was already late in the afternoon. Adam was following Him like He’s his mother. Every now and then, He gave him that same hateful look girls with unwanted pregnancies would give their bulging tummies. “But it’s too late,” God muttered, thinking about the simile.

All the Saturday, He racked his almighty brains. (Not Sunday, as they teach you in catechism classes; it was the Jewish system then.) The snake was the only other living thing that was also worried. It knew that God was angry on it, and by virtue of its self-centredness, it thought God is conspiring against it. So snake was following Him, without getting noticed. God was running around, like He had all the ants He created, in his pants. He lied down in the shade of the apple tree for a while. And the snake had crawled up, watching His every move. And then, when the snake was trying to hide behind the leaves, it made an apple fell. It fell right on God’s head.

God shuddered, and looked up to the apple tree. Snake shuddered, and looked down on God. It saw an uncivilized grin taking over the divine frown. God didn’t see the snake. He saw the Great Idea. The solution, He was seeking the whole day.

“Eureka!!!,” He should have cried. Instead, He shrieked, “Adam!”

Adam was sleeping in the afternoon, like a good, pious boy. It was not a Sunday afternoon; but remember, it was the Jewish system then.

Good boy Adam staggered up to Him, half asleep and cursing.

“What?” he demanded.

“Can you see this apple tree?” asked God.

“Hmmm…” said Adam, without looking at the tree, and still in his sleepiness.

“It’s the best I have created. A million times better than you! Never, ever dare to touch it”

“Hmmm…”

“Its fruits are so juicy and tasty. You better eat cockroaches. But, don’t try to touch it”

“Hmmm…”

“Take a small bite of one of these apples, and you’ll have all the knowledge in this universe.”

“Huh?” Adam showed some interest, or God thought so, for the first time. And for the last time.

“Yes! If you eat it, then you can be like me. Not just in that ugly looks! Once you are like me you can eat it without any more worries, because you’ll be equal to me. But, never ever even think of eating it”

“Hmmm…”

“And if you eat it, I’ll kick you out”, God said with an evil smile.

“ I won’t. You eat the apples till you get sick of it. Now, can I go and sleep?”

Adam went back to where he was lying down before, and to his sleep. God was a bit confused. But he had faith in Him, and His Great Idea. He was sure that He could get rid of Adam before He sleeps that day.

It was a full moon day, and God waited till the wee hours of the morning, hoping Adam will come to pluck the apple. “What a dumb creature I have made!” He couldn’t believe Himself.

Days passed. Adam spent his days sleeping, and watching birds, and chasing butterflies. Some days he came wandering near to the apple tree, and God kept His fingers crossed. Only to sigh in vain, when Adam wandered away from the tree. God wondered whether that stupid had forgotten about His command. He thought He would ask Adam whether he remembers.

He found Adam lying down, scratching his balls, and playing with his pee-tube.

“How are you my boy?” Greeted God, making it sound like genuine, and not showing His disgust.

“I’m bored,” replied Adam, still scratching his balls.

Sighed God.

“And you didn’t think of trying those tasty apples?” God asked, trying to hide his excitement.

“Apples? What apples? Are you crazy? Why would a boy of my age want apples?”

“Remember? Knowledge? Apple? Just a bite?” God was still hopeful.

“I have enough knowledge. It’s you who needs some more. Go and eat them till you get sick of them! Now, will you leave me alone?”

“OK”, God was out of words.

“And do something, if can, with your knowledge. I’m bored like hell here”

“I’ll try”

“I’ll try my best,” was what God thinking while walking away.

“DON’T,” His inner voice warned Him.

“This time I wouldn’t repeat the same mistake. I’ll make something better. Something with at least some brains. And more importantly, something that looks better. And something with some manners! No balls and pee-tube this time!”

His inner voice was silent. It has recognized His determination.

God took his time this time. He studied everything He created carefully. The last thing on earth He wanted was making the same stupid mistake again. Gathering all the confidence, He walked to Adam. Adam was sleeping, with his hands on his groin. God looked away in disgust. He looked at Adam once again. Is there anything good on him? God studied him from head to toe. Ugliness and dumbness were that all He could see.

“Wish there was something that’s at least a bit beautiful or brilliant on this stupid,” thought God, switching on His X-ray vision. “Then I could have tissue cultured it with some DNA modifications.”

It was then He found that rib. And it was gone before Adam woke up.

“What are you staring at?” Eve asked Adam, with a giggle.

He was only dumb earlier, now he is dumbfounded.

“Hi, I’m Eve,” Eve said with a smile. God had made her too good-natured. No sane person could have smiled at that nauseating creature that was Adam.

“I’m ’dam,” Stammered Adam.

To cut the long story short, let’s go now to the apple tree. God too was waiting impatiently for that. And the snake saw Eve, and Adam at her heels, come walking. Snake ran to the apple tree, and climbed up. “If I could help poor God in His crisis, may be He will forget His displeasure against me,” thought the snake.

“Hi,” called the snake.

Eve looked up and saw the snake.

“Hiiiiiiiii….,” Eve waved her fingers, smiling, at the snake. God had made her too good-natured.
Snake pretended a sad face.

“What happened? Why are you looking so sad?” Eve couldn’t help, but ask. God had purposely made her too good-natured.

“I’m in trouble. May be you can help me.” Said the snake.

“What can I do for you? I’ll do anything that I can to help you.” That was how God had made her.

“This tree is very precious to God. He loves this tree more than anything else on this world.

“So?”

“And nobody likes this tree! Not a bird, not even those creepy worms, no one eats it”

“Then it must be not good for eating” God had given her intelligence too!

“No! It’s only that they don’t care for God. How sad! He even asked Adam. And he ignored His request!” Crocodile tears were rolling out of snake’s eyes.

“That was bad of Adam. He’s still an uncivilized beast. I’ll talk to him about it. But why don’t you eat one and make God happy then?”

“I have given her too much intelligence,” Thought God, who was overhearing the conversation, with great regret.

“I would have. I would have.” Said the snake, “If it was not this bad toothache I got from last Friday!”

“Oh! Okay! You could have told me this in the beginning. I wouldn’t have wasted so much of your time making you explain! Please pass me an apple, would you?” Eve’s compassionate heart was almost making her feeling guilty already.

Adam was not listening to the conversation, just because he doesn’t know how to listen. God was keeping his fingers crossed, and eyes closed. (No. He wasn’t saying Hail Marys, or Our Father in Heaven). And snake was holding tight on to the branch to stop its body from shivering. It was then Eve bit into the apple.

“It’s so tasty!!! So stupid of all not to eat it!” Eve blurted out while chewing.

“Adam, take a bite. It’s so good!” Eve offered the apple to Adam.

“No. I don’t like apples”

“Eat it stupid!”

And that was how Adam took that famous bite.

It was the moment God was waiting. He was ready for this moment from the day he created Adam, with high-bass thunder rolls and electric blue lightning show. And with them God came before Adam, Eve and the snake. And suddenly Adam remembered about the disturbed sleep of Saturday afternoon. Stupid, as he was, he clenched his throat, thinking he can undo what he had done. Only to make his predecessors to bear that mark of stupidity right across their necks.

“Get out Adam! I don’t have to see you any more.” Said God.

“I didn’t. It was her!” Adam pointed to Eve, who was already in tears.

“No boyo! My deal is with you. I haven’t commanded her anything” God grinned that evil grin He was wishing for so many days.

“No! If he has to go, I’ll go with him.” Eve mumbled out sobbing “It was my mistake!”

“No, my sweet girl. You were only fooled by the evil snake.” God hadn’t foreseen this turn of events. He didn’t want to lose his finest creation as a price for getting rid of the ugly Neanderthal, who was constantly giving him a nagging inferiority complex.

“Now this Ape will jump on me. I’m damned for ever!” Thought the snake, with complete dejection.

God turned to the snake, and what he said is unprintable. In the most decent version, it roughly meant: “Fuck right out of here, you slimy son of a bitch”God noticed that Adam had started checking out Eve shamelessly. More blood rose to His face.

“Honey, cover yourself with some fig leaves, please” God said to Eve, straining not to exhibit the anger He had for Adam.

And He shouted at Adam “Get out of my sight, you dirty, uneducated, shameless Neanderthal!” He had used a lot of unprintable words here too. I’m not giving even a decent version of it, only as a token of my respect to my great ancestor.

It was how the Paradise Lost happened, actually. It was, of course, not the way God wanted it. He was far from being happy. The grief of losing Eve overpowered the joy of getting rid of Adam. More than that He was worried over an unfinished work. The uterus He had installed in Eve was only a prototype, thinking He would upgrade it when the time comes. Now, stupid Adam has no sense, and sweet Eve won’t say anything against that beast’s will. That thought wrung God’s heart. I have made her too good-natured, God thought with a tear in His eye.

It was in these circumstances, God tried the mutation techniques on the next generation. With very precise calculations, He altered the DNA strands of Cain and Abel, when they were just embryos. As taught, and widely believed, Cain and Abel were not men like stupid, ugly Adam. A case of mistaken sexual identity, just because they were called ‘sons’. They were the first neutral humans, and the last ones so far. They were hermaphroditic humans, with minimalist breasts – a technology adopted from monkeys – and amputable male genitalia – the same technology used for gecko tails. If you don’t believe me, ask any learnt physiologist, what’s the functional purpose of those spasmodic, post-coital vaginal contractions. They will tell you that they don’t know, and I’ll tell you that it was meant for amputation of the partner’s genitalia.Ask the same experts, what’s the functional purpose of clitoris – which has the same tissue construction as the penis- and they will tell you that they don’t know. And I’ll tell you that it was meant to mature as male genitalia, before the recently amputated one to reverse sexual roles.

God was in for a surprise again, though He always had thought that was impossible. Since Cain and Abel were the first human beings, they both were equally mature hermaphrodites when they were matured – meaning both had equally developed sexual organs of both the genders. It was a real tough time living on earth for them, especially with a dumb, lazy dad like Adam. Eve had given the responsibility of farming, their first business, to Cain, and the job of keeping the sheep was on Abel. Though they, Cain and Abel, were hard working, at times the effect of Y-chromosomes from Adam was showing the power. When it’s complemented with the work that was really hard in those times, they both were dreaming about the same thing. To get pregnant, and with that very valid reason, take some time off from work. And the notorious fight, and murder, happened on an argument on this issue. Cain’s older, and thus more easily amputable male genitalia and Abel’s younger, and more virile counterpart are described as the worst crop and best sheep in the Bible. Now don’t give me that look! You don’t expect seeing the word virile, or not very virile, male genitalia in the Holy Bible, do you?

By this incident, God, who was already heartbroken, was completely disheartened, and decided not to do any more modifications on human genes. The rest of the sons and daughters were more or less similar to Adam and Eve. None of the daughters were as beautiful or brilliant as Eve, because Adam’s X-chromosomes were there to contaminate. (Actual origins of the term Gen X originates here). And this halving of good qualities is happening ever since. On the other hand, the sons were getting smarter by generation, with the help of quality X-chromosomes from Eve. That’s how, according to my interpretation of the Creation theory, we have gene-equal males and females in this world: half-dumb-half-smart ladies and gentlemen.

You can also read some other contrived Bible stories here. Link courtesy: Shenoy. Don’t forget to read the reader’s response at the site, if you are going there. And a brilliant interpretation of the curse/blessing on Cain, by one of my favourite authors, John Steinbeck, here. The latter, in my opinion, is a must-read. Timshel.